Broken Pieces

Broken pieces, shattered parts
All that remains of this heart
Once innocent and trusting-
Stabbed by a dagger dull and rusting.
How could I have known that
the love that fulfilled me,
would be the love
that ultimately killed me?

David James Stayduhar
23 March 2010, 2:40AM

As a Dog Returns to His Vomit..."

I had thought I was free of this person and his hateful remarks toward myself and my friends. He'd been silent for so long, that, aside from his frequent visits to my blogs, I had almost forgotten that he existed. The peace that had settled over blogdom was too good to last, and just recently, the snake resurfaced, and began to attack with a vengeance, first attacking my friend Tom's post over at Tank For the Light in which he talked about his new headsets (which I found to be interesting, despite its brevity). He put Tom down, claiming that his blog was uncompelling, uninteresting, and uninspiring, and proceeded to attack him and tell him that he couldn't blog. Since Tom is my friend, I jumped to his defense and asked the fool why he even bothered to read the blog if he found it so distasteful, and proceded to tell him to leave Tom alone to write as he pleased. Noone was forcing the idiot to read Tom's blog, so there was no reason for him to read it. Unfortunately, by defending Tom, I played into the fool's hand and he turned his venom on me, referring to me as 'Liar' (a feeble attempt to belittle me, at best) and claiming that he never reads anything I have to say, all the while defending himself against my counterattack, and proving once again, that he is a liar, himself, and needs to seriously grow up. So what does this mean? It means that, most likely, this blog is next on his list of cyber-bullying. Do I care? Not really. I'm not so easily goaded so, Jon, don't even try. Tom, if you should find your way to this post, again, I apologize for my rant on your blog. He just tripped a major trigger, and needed to be taken down a notch or two.

Cold

Have I gotten so cold and unfeeling that I fail to care about what's going on around me? I pondered this question last night, as I was thinking about my roots, and where I was, and what I was as a youth. I was the typical optimist back then, with my proverbial rose-colored glasses, and seeing possibility in everything. I had no cares or worries back then, and cried when it warranted, and rejoiced when good happened. Now, it seems, I have grown so cold and calloused as a result of what life's thrown at me. Heartache has taken its toll. Watching good people fall to corruption, watching good people suffer needlessly as a result of the greed and corruption of others, among other things have left me doubting the existence of goodness in humanity. Watching others suffer, go hungry, or fall ill with nobody else to care what happens to them has left me questioning the existence of God's goodness, or even His very existence. I keep asking and looking for signs that He does exist, but I think I may have become so spiritually blind that I don't see. I know, deep down, that I'm wrong, that He does exist, and that He is out there looking aftr me, but all the cynicism and negativity clouds it much of the time. I fear that I'm losing ground fast, and that there is no hope left for me, and cry out silently to anyone to hear me and pull me out of the fall. Lat night, it had gotten to the point where I was sitting here and thinking if my life was as meaningless as some of the games I play online. I mean, my life is basically the same thing day after day- wake up, go to school, come home, stress over unpaid bills and worrying about if I'll have enough money or food to make it through the week on what little I get from unemployment, while the other person in the household makes three times what I get, and hoards money or spends it on stuff that she doesn't need, and leaves me to cover the extra expenses. I wonder if I'd be better off getting out of this situation that I'm trapped in, and getting a fresh start on my own. However, as she's done a great deal to ruin my credit rating, that I doubt I'd ever get that chance. God, if you're truly out there, please hear this plea, and help me to get out of this, and help me to start anew. I don't want to be cold anymore.

Stop The World... I Want to Get Off!!!

So, it's been a weekend from the old H-E-Double-Ell. First of all, on Friday, I got a lovely letter from my ever-so-lovely friends at the unemployment office that they were threatening to cut my unemployment benefits because "I made too much at Erie Business Center" (my school, where I work through the Federal Work-study Program to help pay for my education expenses). First off, I was told both by the school and UC, upon applying for FWS, that it would NOT affect my ability to receive UC benefits because it was financial aid for school, and thus exempt, and not reportable income. Therefore, I had been filing regularly for a year, with repeated assurances from UC, everytime I had to renew or file for an extension, that it was exempt. So now, because they are no longer using my old job at West as basis for my determination of beniefits, and are now using my "wages" from FWS at the school, they are treating it as sustainable income, and claiming that I'm making too much to receive the paltry $106/week allowance they determined I was eligible for. So, because of all of this, I was fretting and worrying all weekend about what to do once Monday arrived. Monday came, and I took the note to school, where the lady in the financial aid office typed up a nice letter on my behalf to tell them EXACTLY what the money I made via FWS was for, and that it is to supplement my financial aid since I don't qualify for the state grants anymore. When I get my monthly checks, I'm lucky if I get to see $10-20 of it. I then asked Mr. DeSanti for permission to leave class early, so I could take care of it. I left school and headed for the unemployment office, only to be told that I couldn't talk to anyone there, and to leave my paperwork in the drop slot outside. Upon getting home, I was then greeted by a letter from the wonderful gas company that they were going to shut off my service for being behind one payment (gee, I wonder why?), and of course it was too late to call them by then, so I had something else to worry about, causing me to lose more sleep last night. So I woke up after only two hours of sleep and called them first thing in the morning, and they claimed they couldn't help me, but kindly gave me the number to the Energy Assistance program, and they told me that they would take care of it, and all I had to do was put my SS# on the shutoff notice, and put it in an envelope marked "LIHEAP" and drop it in their drop off box. That done, I headed to class one worry lighter. Now all I have to do is wait for UC to drag their feet.

Admiral and New Starship (longer post to come later)

Last night, in a fit of sleeplessness, I played a bit on my character on STO, and within a few quests, got my promorion to Rear Admiral. With the promotion came a new ship. I present to you, the USS Philip Anderson, NCC 91827-C. Ok, now I am going home and grabbing a lengthy nap. Will post the pictures of the upgraded USS Douglas Myers and a more in-depth update on my so-called life later.

New Science Officer... Enter Daria

Just a short post because I thought thus was cool. Ws playing Star Trek Online tonight, when I got a new science officer to add to my ship. I didn't think it out of the ordinary until I looks at the name, and noticed the similarity in name to my former Guild Master in WoW's main Character, 'Daraia'. Of course, this character's name didn't have the extra "a" in the name and it has an "h", but it was still interesting. I didn't get rid of Sh'Loria, though. She's still "Number One".

Midterms, New Computer, and "What's That Bright Thing in The Sky?"

Wow, it's been about 2 weeks since I last posted. Please accept my apologies for the lapse in posting, but the last two weeks were midterms, and well, I was just a bit busy with those, and getting things set up at home for my new computer. First off, midterms went rather well. I received four A's as midterm grades, and one of the midterm exams yielded me my first 100% test score for the term, so I'm happy with the grades. Upon returning to school on Monday, after my four-day weekend (last Thursday was an inservice day, so we had no classes) we had another exam in Accounting II /Apps, and due to some very stupid errors on my part (labelling the wrong accounts on the journal entries, and missing the last two problems altogether just because I forgot they were there) I received an 83% (B) on that test. Thankfully, Mr. Desanti drops the lowest test grade, but even if he didn't, I'd still have a low A in the class.

Also, as mentioned, I finally got my new computer that I'd been paying on since December, and it is NICE. With 750Gb of hard drive storage, a NVidia GeForce 9400 video card with 1-Gb of memory, 2-Gb of system memory, surround-sound speakers, etc. playing my games like Star Trek Online is a much more enjoyable experience. It's just too bad that I cancelled my WoW account in January, because I'd love to see how much nicer those graphics look. Anyway, below are some pictures (please excuse the poor lighting on them, as I have it in an armoir, and the flash did no justice.)

As you can see, I have my jug-o-candy tucked into the back corner as well.

Last but not least, I will update on the weather. After this past weekend's snowstorm, we are finally experiencing some pleasant weather. While daytime highs are still in the 30s, for the most part, the snow has finally given way to some sunny skies. March has come in like a lamb, I suppose, so doese that mean we should brace ourslves for a major storm of sorts at the end of the month. With only 18 more days until the onset of spring, I am looking forward to it with great enthusiasm. I need to start getting out, at least on a semi-regular basis, and walking a bit to shed some of the weight that I need to get rid of. Also, I am just dying for warmer temperatures. I guess it's time to start looking for the crocuses, since legend has it (or at least as far as my Grandpa Dailey was concerned) the crocus has to be covered in snow 3 times before spring is here to stay.