Have I gotten so cold and unfeeling that I fail to care about what's going on around me? I pondered this question last night, as I was thinking about my roots, and where I was, and what I was as a youth. I was the typical optimist back then, with my proverbial rose-colored glasses, and seeing possibility in everything. I had no cares or worries back then, and cried when it warranted, and rejoiced when good happened. Now, it seems, I have grown so cold and calloused as a result of what life's thrown at me. Heartache has taken its toll. Watching good people fall to corruption, watching good people suffer needlessly as a result of the greed and corruption of others, among other things have left me doubting the existence of goodness in humanity. Watching others suffer, go hungry, or fall ill with nobody else to care what happens to them has left me questioning the existence of God's goodness, or even His very existence. I keep asking and looking for signs that He does exist, but I think I may have become so spiritually blind that I don't see. I know, deep down, that I'm wrong, that He does exist, and that He is out there looking aftr me, but all the cynicism and negativity clouds it much of the time. I fear that I'm losing ground fast, and that there is no hope left for me, and cry out silently to anyone to hear me and pull me out of the fall. Lat night, it had gotten to the point where I was sitting here and thinking if my life was as meaningless as some of the games I play online. I mean, my life is basically the same thing day after day- wake up, go to school, come home, stress over unpaid bills and worrying about if I'll have enough money or food to make it through the week on what little I get from unemployment, while the other person in the household makes three times what I get, and hoards money or spends it on stuff that she doesn't need, and leaves me to cover the extra expenses. I wonder if I'd be better off getting out of this situation that I'm trapped in, and getting a fresh start on my own. However, as she's done a great deal to ruin my credit rating, that I doubt I'd ever get that chance. God, if you're truly out there, please hear this plea, and help me to get out of this, and help me to start anew. I don't want to be cold anymore.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Cold
Have I gotten so cold and unfeeling that I fail to care about what's going on around me? I pondered this question last night, as I was thinking about my roots, and where I was, and what I was as a youth. I was the typical optimist back then, with my proverbial rose-colored glasses, and seeing possibility in everything. I had no cares or worries back then, and cried when it warranted, and rejoiced when good happened. Now, it seems, I have grown so cold and calloused as a result of what life's thrown at me. Heartache has taken its toll. Watching good people fall to corruption, watching good people suffer needlessly as a result of the greed and corruption of others, among other things have left me doubting the existence of goodness in humanity. Watching others suffer, go hungry, or fall ill with nobody else to care what happens to them has left me questioning the existence of God's goodness, or even His very existence. I keep asking and looking for signs that He does exist, but I think I may have become so spiritually blind that I don't see. I know, deep down, that I'm wrong, that He does exist, and that He is out there looking aftr me, but all the cynicism and negativity clouds it much of the time. I fear that I'm losing ground fast, and that there is no hope left for me, and cry out silently to anyone to hear me and pull me out of the fall. Lat night, it had gotten to the point where I was sitting here and thinking if my life was as meaningless as some of the games I play online. I mean, my life is basically the same thing day after day- wake up, go to school, come home, stress over unpaid bills and worrying about if I'll have enough money or food to make it through the week on what little I get from unemployment, while the other person in the household makes three times what I get, and hoards money or spends it on stuff that she doesn't need, and leaves me to cover the extra expenses. I wonder if I'd be better off getting out of this situation that I'm trapped in, and getting a fresh start on my own. However, as she's done a great deal to ruin my credit rating, that I doubt I'd ever get that chance. God, if you're truly out there, please hear this plea, and help me to get out of this, and help me to start anew. I don't want to be cold anymore.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
The worst thing about having a heart is that it feels things, lol. Of course that goes for the good and not so good. Sometimes growing "cold" as you put it is a defense mechanism because you know you are soft hearted and the constant barrage we face every day....hurts. If you truly were growing cold....you wouldn't be concerned about it. Seriously. A cold heart would not cry out for more heat but feel justified in its frigidness. You're okay, my friend. Don't be afraid to allow yourself to feel. Don't throw away those rose-colored glasses just yet. So many others have given in and thrown theirs away and look how bleak the world has become for them. They not only threw away the rosy ones but donned dark colored shades instead. I, for one, will keep my pretty glasses. I may not wear them all the time but I won't allow myself to forget what the world -could- look like as long as I don't give up on it like so many others have.
ReplyDelete