Reflections

It happened 24 years ago. I was a young man in college, doing semi-well in all my classes, had a girl that I loved and was engaged to, and seemingly had it all. The only problem in my life at the time was that my parents had split, and it was causing some added stress, but for the most part, I was fine. Then, one night, it happened. I was working late at the campus computer lab, and the director of computer services came by and started talking to me. I didn't think much of it, since he was in charge of the facility and came by at night on occasion. We talked for a while before it was time to close the building, and I did the rounds to the other labs in the building, making sure that all the computers were shut off before logging out. On the way out, I stopped to use the restroom downstairs, and then it happened. The DoCS came in to use the restroom, and made advances at me. I didn't know what to do at first, all I knew was that I was scared. I mean, I was just a skinny little guy and this guy was taller, older, and obviously quite a bit stronger than I was, so I just stood there. Next thing I knew, he had his hand on my shoulder and was pushing me down toward his crotch area. I still remember his exact words: "There's no one else here, so do as I say, and you will be fine." What could I do but comply? So I let him have his way with me, and waited for him to finish and leave. After he left, I felt sick, and nasty. I washed up, drank water and spit out the taste that was left in my mouth and left to go back to my dorm room. I wanted to tell my friends, especially my then fiancée, what happened, but was too afraid to, afraid that he might find out, and would do something further to me. I began to withdraw, and my moods would change quickly and often, to the point where my then fiancée gave the engagement ring back to me one night after an argument, and I flung it into the nearest snow bank (I was able to retrieve it right away), and the relationship went downhill from there. I grew more and more insecure and eventually, the relationship fell apart. Still, nobody knew what was really wrong. I had started seeing a university psychologist, and he focused on my family problems, but- since he worked for the university, I told him nothing about what happened, for fear that it would get back to him. Eventually, others did come forward with allegations of rape (because that is what it was) and sexual intimidation by the man, and encouraged me to do the same. I had figured there was safety in numbers so filed my report as well. All was going well until one of the plaintiffs retracted his story and admitted to an ongoing thing with the man and that he did it willingly. After this, the campus police threw the whole thing out claiming the rest of us were lying as well. I soon lost my student job at the computer center, and got a job working at the library, thanks to my one friend's mom. Since I no longer worked at the main computer lab, I stayed away from there for the remainder of my time on campus. I still saw the man on occasion, and he would look at me knowingly, but I'd quickly turn around and go the other way. To this day, the memory still haunts me, and until now, nobody but myself knew the full story. Would things have been different had I said something when it happened? Maybe- maybe not. Back then, men reporting rape or sexual harassment from another man was not something that was done. But thinking back on it all, I wish I had. I at least wish that I had told the one that mattered most to me at the time. All I can do now is move on.

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Leadership Lessons- Part IX: Resilience

(Originally Published 03 August, 2009)
(Note: I'm not sure if this is the video that originally went with this post. The one I originally posted was no longer available.)

Welcome to the ninth and final part of the series on leadership. First off, I would like to apologize to those who have been following for the delay in getting this one posted. It's been a long weekend, filled with much cherished visits from an old friend, and car repairs, and by the time each was finished, I was too exhausted to do anything else. Now without further ado, I present you with part IX. To date, I have covered Focus, Urgency, Initiative, Competence, Communication, Politics, Intellectual Honesty, and Interdependence. In this post, I will discuss Resilience. Resilience is defined as an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.

As an effective leader, one is expected to be of resilient character; therefore, developing and maintaining this quality of leadership should always be one of top priority. It is also the responsibility of an effective leader to nurture the experiences of those under his leadership to help them to develop a sense of competence and self-confidence for dealing with and overcoming their own mistakes and misfortunes. One must recognize that, at all levels of leadership, one must take steps to insure his own resilience as well as the strength and stability of those around him. To these ends, the following guidelines should be taken into consideration:

• The first step in forging and solidifying either personal or team reslience is taken when a leader begins to place his trust in others.


• By confiding in others, a leader takes two important steps toward building resilience in them. By verbally sharing experiences, one integrates emotionally and bonds a sense of mortal trust with others.


• Allowing those under one's leadership to have a great deal of control over how assignments are accomplished reinforces one's confidence in them. It also motivates their desire to perform their duties with skill and excellence.


• It is prudent that a leader be driven to serve purposes outside his own self-interest, as the extreme individualist never becomes a successful or effective leader.


• An effective leader should always forgive and forget the honest errors of others and to help them to rebound and recover from their mistakes. This responsibility is of paramount importance.


• It is of vital importance that one does not become confounded by one's miscalculations when a particular strategy does not work. In light of such a situation, one's primary task should be to formulate a new premise and take decisive action.


• In matters of either crisis or routine, it is always wise to ask others for their opinions, ideas, or suggestions. By taking such action, it often improve the action taken and reinforce concensus between a leader and those whom he leads. Moreover, restricting one's choices to the confines of his own knowledge is self-limiting. This is especially so when others possess knowledge and ideas that will allow one to improve upon his course of action.


• While an effective leader is expected to be successful in all that he does, he must also possess the strength of character to experience and recover from failure.


• A leader often encounters traumatic situations that are sudden, unexpected, and short-lived; however even in the most dire conditions, he is expected to maintain his composure and assist others in maintaining theirs. The fact is that anyone can commit a mortal mistake when overcome by panic and despair.


• When met by mistakes and misfortune, there is no gain in retreat. Running away from a problem never solves anything, nor does it soothe feelings.

And last, but not least,

• We must always recognize that in the most perilous circumstances, a leader must retain a sense of hope- trusting in his own ability and in the competence of others to stand firm against what would otherwise be an overwhelming tide of helplessness and despair.

In conclusion, as an effective leader, one's training and values will enable him to sustain even excessive periods of hardship while maintaining some measure of hope- the mortality fail-safe of human will.

Leadership Lessons- Part VIII: Interdependence

(Originally Posted: 29 July, 2009) Welcome to Part VIII of the series on leadership. To date, I have covered Focus, Urgency, Initiative, Competence, Communication, Politics, and Intellectual Honesty. Each of these can be found in their own discussion earlier in this blog. Today's topic is Interdependence, or the quality of being mutually dependent on each other. Interdependence can be either a great strength or a fatal weakness. If this is to be a strengthening quality of one's leadership, one must always permit the individual to strive within an environment of mutual dependence. Otherwise, the loss of the individual will more often than not become a fatal weakness- an Achilles' heel. In order to employ interdependence as a strengthening quality of leadership, the following guidelines are important:

• Whenever a distinguished leader suddenly begins to behave erratically, in a way contrary to both his past record and to the well-being of the group, there is usually a misguided rationalization for it. However, as he has served honorably in the past, it is noble to help him work through his personal crisis.


• Knowledge is power, but withholding information from those who should rightfully posess it is a personal weakness, one that others often pay a heavy price for as a result.


• It is every leader's duty to freely exchange his knowledge, not through intellectual superiority, but as a means by which one helps to resolve problems and make better decisions.


• On becoming a leader,one does not gain the authority to act independently of established rules or regulations. However, leaders should be duty-bound to abide by and uphold the policies and orders of higher command as they set the examples that others imitate.


• Every member of a group has the right and duty to make meaningful contributions to the group as a whole. However, no one has the right to use the group's resources as a means of pursuing a personal agenda.


• Extrme care should be taken to preserve the "individual" that exists in all who serve under one's leadership. Simply put, one's individualism- found in specialized abilities and knoweldge- is a key asset that contributes toward the achievement of common goals.


• A leader who asks for the assistance of others, in order to accomplish a task or to succeed in achieving his goal, is not weak, but wise. A leader who provides assistance to another is not an intruder, but a friend.


• There are times when virtually everyone will become sceptical of those in positions of higher authority. However, this scepticism neither justifies withholding information, nor does it condone taking independent action.


• Sometimes the behavior of great officers crosses over the line of propriety, and must be reigned in by a more steadfast leader.


• Everyone has the right to expect that all leaders will make good on their oath of office. In otherwords, a leader should be reliable, dependable, trustworthy, and mutually supportive of those that serve under him. The moment that a leader goes against his oath of office he loses his value to the group.

in conclusion,

• One good leader sometimes makes the difference in whether the group succeeds or fails. However, it is the cooperative, collaborative, and corroborative effort of the entire group that will be more likely to lead to success.

As an effective leader, one will never have a more satisfying assignment than when serving among others with whom there is a shared mutual dependence-or even a symbiotic relationship.

(Next: Lesson IX- Resilience)

Leadership Lessons -Part VII: Intellectual Honesty

(Originally Published 28 July, 2009)


Yes, there are two videos this time (dual episode, dual example)

I have covered six of the qualities of leadership thus far: Focus, Urgency, Initiative, Competence, Communication, and Politics. Today, I will discuss Intellectual Honesty. "What is Intellectual Honesty?", you may ask. Simply put, it is one's personal code of honor. All leaders are entrusted to maintain a high standard of personal honor; therefore the following guidelines are important:

• Since humans are emotional beings, we can be drawn into doing the wrong thing by what, at the moment, seems a necessity- necessity that often proves to result from either ignorance or denial.


• Distrust is the result of many factors. Any leader who gains some ends by selfish scheming and underhanded practice my imagine that he has found the key to success, but eventually, the day comes when he is found out, and even his plausible words lose all value.


• A dishonest person is soon denied the chance to be honest because the doors of opportunity are closed to him. To be true to oneself is to be true to those who provide the keys to opportunity.


• It is easy to recognize the faults of others, but it is much more difficult for one to admit that he may be the one responsible for those faults he finds in others.


• To be held in high regard, one;s actions should not betray his words. However, it is of vital importance that one's actions not betray doing what is right for the common good.


• A leader who makes a habit of being true to himself and to others is one that can be trusted and relied upon in times of crisis. This holds true for everybody.


• For security purposes, a leader may not be able to fully disclose the nature of a task to everybody. However, no leader should ever,under any circumstances, mislead those around him as to the nature of the task.


• There may be limited time for one newly appointed to a leadership position to begin developing healthy relationships with those around him, but under no circumstances should he use whatever limited time is available to undo any potential to develop healthy relationships.


• The morale and motivation of a team is a direct refelction of how they perceive their leader's integrity toward them.

in conclusion,

• Intellectual honesty may result in one being dismissed for a time only to be recalled to duty when the success of the task at hand depends upon one who has proven his rustworthiness.

An effective leader must not only act with integrity of word and deed, but also integrity of idea and principle. This should be nothing less than any effective leader's code of honor.

(Next: Lesson VIII- Interdependence)

Leadership Lessons- Part VI: Politics

(Originally Published 27 July, 2009)

So far in this series, I have covered five of the main qualities of leadership: Focus, Urgency, Initiative, Competence, and Communication. (For follow-up, please refer to the corresponding entries titled Leadership lessons- Parts I-V) This entry will cover yet another important aspect: Politics.

It is a given fact that politics are the means by which civilized people conduct their affairs. Civilized conduct also helps to smooth out occasional wrinkles that tend to surface in interpersonal relationships, and well-intentioned and functional politics are of vital importance to governing organizations and the people within. However, every person also posesses the potential to display the dark side of power and authority. Following are some guidelines to keep such disfunctional and abusive behavior under control:

• In any organization, rules of conduct create an atmosphere of decency by controlling irrational behavior.


• A leader who seeks to distinguish himself at the expense of the innocent is in fact digging two graves, as the wrongful distruction of another's reputation will soon serve to destroy one's own.


• Even the most notable leader can become so weakened by flattery that he ceases to exercise his authority properly, ceases to acknowledge that which is factual, and ceases to heed honest and constructive criticism until he gets to the point where he finds that those who once trusted him have deserted him.


• A leader who emphasizes the commonalities of those around him, and has the ability to help them understand the differences that separate them, equips them with a great deal of skill to control their own irrational behavior.


• A leader who constantly strives to find fault with others does not always succeed. However, in doing so, he causes harm to those around him and creates a distrustful environment for everyone.


• While a leader may not always be convinced to act on factual evidence, he should never allow himself to be corrupted by his own determination in order to achieve his own ends despite what is the truth.


• A person's bloodlines are bestowed upon him at birth, and are neither cause for alleged guilt nor reason for disqualifying him from any recognition. In order for humanity to improve, we must respect the rights of everyone to have an unrestrained part in our progress.


• Although a leader has every right to expect those around him to follow lawful orders, no leader has the authority to force anyone to participate in his illegal activities or abuses of power.


• A leader who respects the authority and power of his position exercises them in devotion to his duty in order to ensure the success of others


• No leader or leadership group can ever completely prevent others from sowing fear, distrust, doubt, and dissent. However, every leader should stand prepared to boldly uproot any seeds so sown by anyone else.

Finally

• Political games never end and are never resolved to the satisfaction of everyone. There is always going to be something that goes unresolved, something that goes unsaid, and always someone waiting and ready to replace those who are exposed for creating disfunction within the organization

In the end, everyone pays the price for those who would spread fear in the name of self-righeousness or who would otherwise create an atmosphere of distrust, suspicion, and fear among others. Protecting the individual rights of others is a continual price of leadership, and a price that any effective leader should be willing to pay lest he become corrupted himself. There is no success worth sacrificing anyone's individual rights and no reason why one person's corrupted ambitions should corrupt those of anyone else.

(Next: Lesson VII- Intellectual Honesty)

Leadership Lessons- Part V: Communication

(Originally Published 24 July 2009)

"Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing."- Rollo May

I have received a few comments about this series of posts from those few who follow my ramblings, and thus far, they have been positive, so I will continue on today with Part V of this series (there will be four more after this one, and a possible wrap-up of the entire series.) Thanks to my readers for their support and encouragement.

Before going into today's subject, I will briefly go over the first four characteristics of leadership:

1. Focus- the ability to concentrate on the task at hand in order to complete it successfully,


2. Urgency- the ability to complete the task at hand purposefully, diligently, and with the utmost patience,


3. Initiative- The power or ability to begin or to follow through with a plan or task enrgetically and with determination, and


4. Competence- The state or quality of being adequately or well qualified to perform a given task.

Today, I will discuss communication. Communication is a key element in leadership, as without it, nothing would be accomplished. However, communication is never effective without understanding, and failed attempts at communication often lead to dangerous situations. Also, despite the varied means of communication that are at our disposal, there are certain circumstances in which the only effective means of communication is vi a face-to-face encounter. Following are a few guidelines for effective communication:

• All things considered, effective communication is the single most important element in resolving any crisis situation. Inversely, it is also the single most important factor in preventing a crisis situation from happening.


• An effective communicator doesn't always necessarily have to agree with other people. However, tolerating another's differences and diversity of opinion is important.


• The first battle of most hostile encounters almost always starts just as the communication process is ending. Inversely, the last battle ends only after communication between the opposing parties resumes.


• Silence is not always golden, but powerful messages can be conveyed without speaking a single word. Sometimes what is not spoken is more important than what is actually said.


• When one judges another solely by body language, gestures, vocal intonation, and facial expressions, it often leads to misinterpretation- not only where people of different racial or cultural backgrounds or different ideologies are concerned, but also when interacting with people from one's own culture or background who share the same ideology. Therefore, it is of extreme importance that one's non-verbal expression should not cause another to misinterpret what one is trying to say.


• When one is having difficulty in expressing his thoughts, feelings, opinions, or ideas, it is important to remain patient in order to gain understanding.


• If one person fails to listen to what another person is trying to convey, that person will often fail to properly respond to what has been said.


• If nothing else, you gain more knowledge by listening when another person has very little to say.


• Effective communication does not always end in agreement between people. This is true, as some of the most effective communications simply end with the opposing parties arriving at the reason(s) why they disagree with each other.


• Interrupting another while they are in mid-sentence is generally considered to be rude. However, sometimes doing so can be the smartest and kindest thing you can do to them at that moment.


• The use of some forms of advanced technology (ie. telephone, email, etc.) inherently separates the emotion from the communication. However, no technology is capable of removing the harmful effects of what has been improperly said.

In conclusion,

• Always remember that, no matter how a message is delivered or recieved, the way in which you communicate must permit the messages to be understood.

Effective communiction is the lubricant of effective leadership, and one can never become an effective leader without being understood, or without understanding others.

(Next: Lesson VI- Politics)