Posts Hitting Home

(Originally published 02 July, 2009) [Note, again this post references things that happened three years ago, but has been preserved in its entirety]Most times, I post about stuff that just hits me and I feel compelled to blog about. Recently, my last post Fear The AoD!!!: Imitation and Charades had inspired someone to "come clean" about things that were going on in his life, as he felt somehow, my post was directed at him. It wasn't my intention to force confessions from anyone, but the resulting confession of my friend led me to respect him even more for doing something that I, myself, would have a very difficult time doing (hence my own skeletons remaining locked in their respective closets) and we had a nice little talk after the fact. My friend left himself open to criticism, of which he will have my support if it ever comes to that, and my prayers as he is struggling with a lot of the inner demons that I myself face on a daily basis.

As to the REAL inspiration behind that post, I was in the car on my way to class the other day, and the song "Show Me the Way" by the band STYX was playing on the radio. For those of you not familiar with the band, or the song, it was released in 1991, and reflected upon one individual's disillusionment with the opening line "Every night I say a prayer in the hopes that there's a Heaven." That song, and a subsequent selection played a few minutes later, Poison's "Something to Believe In" and it's opening lines "Well I see him on the TV preachin' 'bout the promised land. He tells me to believe in Jesus and steals the money from my hand. Some say he was a good man, but Lord I think he sinned..." (Their video portrayed the Rev. Jimmy Swaggart, I believe) prompted me to post something. Yes, I myself have been disillusioned with organized religion for a long time. It started as a slow decline while I was in college, and took a major nosedive around 1992, when the blind girl I was dating, a "devout christian", suddenly started seeing someone else, and falsely accused me of raping her when she got pregnant by the other guy. I was devastated, and feeling rather suicidal at that point (I had done everything for this person, and devoted my life up until that point to giving her what she needed-only to be stabbed in the back by her, so yea, I really didn't feel like living at that point). As I stated, I was rather distraught, and suicidal, so I committed myself to the psychiatric ward of the local hospital, where I stayed for three weeks until they felt I was no longer a threat to myself. During my stay there, I had received calls from friends and the Edinboro, PA police chief telling me that the girls father was on the warpath, and threatening to kill this "beast that defiled his 'innocent little girl'". Needless to say, I had to watch my back upon my return home, and never went anywhere unless I had a friend or two with me for at least a couple of months after that. I turned to the people at my church for help and guidance, only to find that most of those who had known me for YEARS would not speak to me, as they had been poisoned by the lies being told by the girl. My life, and my faith shattered, I turned from God (not enough to be completely convicted) and I turned to other things to solve my problems. I began to drink regularly, and at times, heavily. I still recall a few things that happened while under my drunken stupors, that make me shudder to this day:

While drinking with friends out on a rooftop, one night, I got up to go inside and relieve my bladder, and almost walked off the roof.

Another night, I was walking back from a "drinking party" with my friend, Bill, and I stopped on a bridge and told him flat out "I don't want to live anymore, I wonder if I jumped now, if I would drown quickly or slowly, or even feel anything." I know I scared him, and it was one of the few times I saw him, a person that doesn't show emotion very often, cry. Bill pulled me down off the guardrail, and walked me the rest of the way home.

I know that there are probably other incidents that I was too drunk to remember, but those two in particular stick out in my mind, and looking back on it all, I know that God was watching over me, despite my own belief that he didn't give a damn about my life. If it weren't for God, and Bill, as well as other friends, I know that I would not be here today to tell about it. With that being said, the aforementioned post was directed at my own inner conflicts with religion, and religious leaders more than anything.


Show Me The Way-Styx
"Every night I say a prayer in the hopes that theres a heaven,
And every day I'm more confused as the saints turn into sinners.
All the heroes and legends I knew as a child have fallen to idols of clay,
And I feel this empty place inside, so afraid that I've lost my faith.

Show me the way, show me the way.
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away,
And show me the way.

And as I slowly drift to sleep, for a moment dreams are sacred.
I close my eyes and know there's peace in a world so filled with hatred,
That I wake up each morning and turn on the news to find we've so far to go,
And I keep on hoping for a sign, so afraid that I just wont know.

Show me the way, show me the way.
Take me tonight to the mountain
And take my confusion away,
And show me the way.

And if I see Your light, should I believe?
Tell me how will I know?

Show me the way, show me the way.
Take me tonight to the river
And wash my illusions away.
Show me the way, show me the way.
Give me the strength and the courage
To believe that I'll get there someday,
And please show me the way

And every night I say a prayer in the hope that theres a heaven..."