Here
is a poem I just wrote while listening to DOFP and losing myself
in memories... I'm not
sure if Bill will understand, but Dria knows exactly how I'm feeling, I think...
(Untitled)
Why
am I here?
What
is this place that is not my home?
Why
did I leave there,
To
come to this place where I feel so alone?
I
look all about me.
Memories, like fine china, fill the shelves on the
walls
I
look and remember
They
draw me into yesterday, down dark and empty halls.
I do
not belong here
In
this time and place which to me have no meaning
But I
cannot return there
It's
a place that is long gone, A place of innocence and
dreaming.
So
therefore I stay
In a
world not my own, full of emptiness and regrets
Where
I'm forever reminded
Of
happier times when I was free, Times I can never forget
David
J. Stayduhar
31
March 1995
5:35
AM
Following is another written during the aforementioned dark period in my life. Seemed like my creative juices flowed more freely then... This one was inspired by Raistlin Majere, a character in the Dragonlance series, whose life seemed to mirror mine at the time.
"Hourglass Eyes"
I
look at the world through hourglass eyes,
And
all that I see just withers and dies.
I see
the same things each and every day.
I
want to see life, but I only see decay.
I
look at the flowers growing in the fields,
But
barrenness is all that this sight of mine yields.
I see
no joy, I see only sorrow.
All
that I see will have no tomorrow.
I
look at the children while they play,
But I
see them as crippled, old, and grey.
Everything I see is either dying or
dead.
Even
the sun in the sky is cold and red.
I see
everything as it passes with time,
All
distorted images to these eyes of mine.
I see
everything as death in disguise.
Oh,
won't somebody please lift this curse from my eyes?
Remove it so that I can see life once
again,
And
grant me some peace, I am going insane.
I
want to see sunshine and hear birds in the trees.
Somebody please take this infliction from
me.
Take
it away so once again I see life.
Let
me see happiness instead of this strife.
I cry
out for help, as into darkness I descend.
Nobody hears me, so the curse remains 'til the
end.
By David J.
Stayduhar
17 November 1990
12:35 AM
"Searching"
As I
sit here, I ponder,
Looking back at where I've gone,
Then
foward, to where I've yet to go.
Memories both good and bad,
Thoughts of yesterdays gone by,
Remembering love found, then lost,
Thinking of love yet to be found,
Searching for peace within personal
wars,
Sorting through chaos, hoping to find
order,
Caught in a war in which I have no
control,
Caught in the tempest and struggling to
survive.
I
live through one storm, only to be caught in another,
But
I'm a survivor, I'll make it through,
Smarter and wiser, to live again.
By David J. Stayduhar
25 October 1990
1:00 PM
The following was inspired by Elfquest characters, Skywise and Cutter, and the bond between a special friend and myself.
"For
my soulmate"
One
soul, two hearts
Always together, never to part.
One
born of Earth, the other of Fire
Closer than kindred, burning with
desire.
Each
one their own, yet part of a whole.
Both
of them sharing the very same soul.
David
J. Stayduhar
07
October, 1996
2:25
AM
This one just came to me one afternoon, still dark times, but had a glimmer of hope and inspiration.
"The Triumph of the
Phoenix"
The
lightning flashed; the thunder roared.
Two
figures stood facing each other.
One
longed for possession,
The
other--to save a soul.
The
one they both loved lay wounded on the ground,
A
victim of this battle royal.
Tears
steaked down the one man's face,
While
the other flashed a hateful smile.
He
knew the battle was already lost,
But
still he fought to save her soul.
From the darkness that, even now, he
faced.
Red
robes and cape blowing in the wind,
He
raised his voice to speak.
But
the black-robed one, in all his hatred,
Silenced him with a scowl.
One
was here to fight for Love,
The
other was here to destroy.
While
the wind-blown rain stung in his face,
The
Red One fought back his tears.
His
loved one was dying before his eyes,
The
Dark One's evil consuming her soul.
He
knew that he was powerless against his foe,
But
still he found the strength to cast a final spell.
He
summoned the lightning to him,
And
the lightning consumed him.
The
Dark One laughed at this folly.
His
adversary sealed his own fate.
His
evil laughter drowned out the thunder,
As he
knelt to claim his prize.
But
out of the ashes of his foe
Came
a terrifying scream.
The
Dark One began to tremble in unimagined fear,
As
the Phoenix at him, in anger, flew.
He
tried to cast an evil spell
To
try to destroy the bird,
But
the Phoenix emerged unscathed.
It
absorbed the power of the spell,
As
well as the power of the storm,
And
continued to attack its hapless prey.
The
Dark One tried to cast again,
But
found his power drained.
The
Phoenix had drained him of his magic,
And
so he turned to flee.
The
rain soaked ground was covered in mud,
And
the Dark One slipped and fell.
The
Phoenix, seeing his fallen prey,
Swooped down to finish the kill.
It
seemed to scream in triumph,
As
the Dark One screamed in fear,
And
reaching out one taloned claw,
It
tore out its victim's heart.
His
life extinguished, the Dark One vanished,
And
the Phoenix transformed.
The
Red One stood in sorrowful triumph,
Vengence and victory were his, the battle
won.
He
knelt over his dying lover,
As
his tears fell on her face.
His
Love renewed her dying spirit,
As
well as her dying soul.
She
looked at him and smiled,
Her
Love for him renewed.
Again, into the Phoenix, the Red One did
transform,
And
taking his loved one upon his back, into the sky did soar.
Their
hearts were again as one, to live forevermore.
By David J.
Stayduhar
23 October 1990
3:00 PM
Untitled (or "it is finished...")
The
battle is over
I've
finally lost
I've
got no strength left to fight
All
my hopes have gone away
I've
given all I could give
I'm
left with nothing
my
dreams are blown to dust
like
ashes they've scattered
I
surrender my life to the reaper
I
pray he'll come for me soon
There
is nothing for me here but sorrow
Grief, pain and hatred fill my soul
My
love no longer has meaning
It,
too, has left me stranded
with
nothing to fall back on.
Nobody seems to care anymore.
least
of all, those who should.
My
"friends" have deserted me.
Left
me to die all alone.
Where
is Help when I need it?
I
can't survive on my own.
I
pray for love to find me again.
I
pray to find my way home.
Please, somebody hear me.
tell
me that hope still exists.
let
my broken heart be mended.
let
my dreams once again be fulfilled.
Show
me the way to happiness.
So my
heart can fly free once more!
By David J.
Stayduhar
22 October 1990
9:45 PM
The following was a tribute to friends found and friends lost, I think I can still name each person represented in this one (In Order): Myself, Heather W, Doug B, Lisa H, Dria H, Tom N, Harold L, Tom V, Monica H, and Bill H.
Untitled
Ten
they were, following fate.
Each
was his own, yet one with the whole.
Three
were as one, out of the same womb born.
Another from darkness, into light, then darkness
again.
One
to nature's call did heed,
Whose
lover followed the fighter's creed.
Another, to friends, was honor bound.
While
one, to music, devoted no sight, but sound.
While
his lover followed where'er he went.
And
yet another did his best
At
playing tricks, illusions and jest.
The
leader, love scorned and all alone
A
raging fire burning forever within his soul.
To
Magic did he devote his life,
But
trusting no one, to avoid the hurt.
His
one love gone, to darkness turned,
So in
his soul, the fire burned.
The
pain he tried so hard to hide,
Still
his friends know of the turmoil inside.
His
sister to justice her life did devote,
To
follow the paths of the gods she served.
Always caring for others as was her
way,
She
sought for equality and harmony.
Quiet
and thoughtful, apart from the rest,
While
helping others, she did her best.
Giving the best from her very heart,
While
keeping her own life from falling apart.
Their
darker brother, chaos he served.
Darker than night, like the Raven bird.
Enshrouded in darkness and mystery,
He
served the darkest part of neutrality.
Always trouble did his magic bring,
He
seemed to bring chaos to everything.
But
still in his heart, some loving would find,
For
this one cared for those of his kind.
Another to darkness, from light did she
fall.
Heeding the tempting of Darkness' dread
call.
Abandoning all to save only herself.
Betraying her friends while she was
preserved.
Using
the love of all those who cared
And
turning to hatred, her dark side she bared.
Changing her ways of goodness to sin,
Leaving her lover to die from within.
The
next one, a druid from wilderness came,
Seeing all nature as one and the same.
Seeing the beauty in everything.
Striving to keep the balance in all
things.
She
walked the ways of truth and love,
Seeking her guidance from the gods
above.
Where
help was needed, she always was giving,
Reflecting her fondness for all that was
living.
The
ranger, to fighting did take,
The
only way he knew his living to make.
His
love for the druid, one so sincere,
He
knew that with her he saw everything clear.
Respect for his leader, and childhood
friend,
Caused him to remain loyal 'til the
end.
He
knows that his friend is lonely inside,
So
the ranger was always by his friend's side.
The
knight, to honor, holds true.
While
protecting the others from impending Evil.
To
his friends he offers kindly advice,
But
often his words are misinterpreted.
His
friends know that he only means well,
He
hates to seem them going through living hell.
Still
honor he upholds until the end,
When
living to help those whom he calls "friend."
Another to music his life did devote.
He
played for the lonely and meak.
His
sightless eyes saw more than the rest.
Because in his music he always saw the
best.
His
songs cheered the lonely,
His
words calmed their fears.
He
lived for his music,
He
lived to dry all tears.
The
barmaid, his lover, was always beside,
To
give him encouragement, to be his guide.
She
loved him so deeply, they were never apart.
His
love was embedded inside of her heart.
She
sang with his playing, her voice filled the night.
This
is what gave him his unnatural sight.
Loving each other, always together,
They'll be there for each other--always,
forever.
The
last, looked down on by all,
A
jester by trade, his puns would appall.
He
tried to make everyone laugh and smile,
But
to all of his friends, he was only a trial.
Downcast and ridiculed, he never fit
in,
But
still he would try to manage a grin.
However, no matter how stupid he seemed to
be,
His
companions put up with his company.
Ten
they were, trying to get by.
For
those that they loved and lost they would cry.
Three
reunited, after so many years.
Another forsook all, for her--many
tears.
Druid
and fighter falling in love.
Still
seeking favor in the gods above.
Knight still protecting those who swore
true.
Minstrel relieving moods which were
blue,
His
lover remaining to guide his way,
The
jester still trying to fit into the frame,
And
still they remain friends 'til the end,
Through suff'ring and heartache, broken hearts that will
mend.
By David J.
Stayduhar
24 October 1990
7:00 PM
There are more somewhere out there, and once I find them, I will share those as well.
It saddens me to report that one of the most iconic figures in the entire Star Trek universe has passed away. It was reported this morning that Mr. Leonard Nimoy, the actor who portrayed the pointy-eared vulcan, Mr. Spock, on the original 1960s TV series, motion pictures, and various appearances in later series, as well as cameos on other television shows, has passed away at the age of 83 due to complications from end stage chronic obstructive pulmonary disease. Mr. Nimoy had been a heavy smoker up until three decades ago, and verified a year ago the diagnosis. He was hospitalized earlier in the week, and though at that point, I sort of expected his passing, it still hits me hard. I was at work when one of my co-workers out of the blue, assuming that I had already heard the news, asked how I was. Thinking he was asking if I was over the cold I had been fighting for the past few days, I said I was feeling a little better. When he asked if I'd heard of Mr. Nimoy's passing, it was as if I had swallowed a rock. I admit, I expected it, but it hit me hard none-the-less. I had to fight back the tears and felt myself choking on them the rest of the day. Since I have no access to social media at my job, I had to rely on the internet during my breaks to get as much information as I could. I read statements from former cast-members and fans alike, but I think the most touching was the tribute left by Wil Wheaton on his site: 
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